Seussified!
by Cleo the Muse
Summary: The folks at Bridge Studios plan out season eight! Spoilers for everything in that season... nothing was sacred, but Reckoning, Threads, and Moebius get it the worst. Warnings may include Death by Dr. Seuss


**Seussified!** by Cleo the Muse  
Rating: G  
Genre: Humor  
Warnings: Death by Dr. Seuss?  
Episodes: ALL of Season Eight--nothing was sacred, but "Reckoning", "Threads", and "Moebius" get it the worst  
Synopsis: The folks at Bridge Studios plan out season eight!  
Notes: Blame for this one can be attributed to Hephaistos' "One Fish, Two Fish, Nem Fish, Blue Fish" and Brenda and Eleanor Gracie's "The Cat in the Hat Comes Back"  
Status: Completed as of April 27, 2005  
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate... it owns me (eg).

* * *

**Seussified!**

At Bridge Studios,  
'Twas another long day.  
The writers were stumped,  
Causing Brad Wright to say,

"It's season eight, people,  
And what have we got?  
Not one of you has started  
To pen out a plot...

"A plot with the slightest  
Bit of good sense;  
Instead we've got 'lame',  
'Boring' and 'nonsense'.

"Where's your wit, your pizzazz,  
Your 'brand new season' zeal?  
Is it 'cause Jack  
Is now General O'Neill?"

"Oh, no, it's not that,"  
One writer lamented.  
"While we kinda like it,  
The fans are demented!

"They wanna see humor,  
Romance, and action.  
'What's up with Ba'al  
or that rogue NID faction'?"

"We thought it was clever,"  
Another chimed in,  
"To move T off-base  
And get him a girlfriend.

"But the fans didn't think  
This girl was worth beans.  
(Though I'm told the gals liked  
Daniel Jackson in jeans!)

"It was pretty silly,  
That whole blackmail plot,  
But we got to zat Daniel,  
And that counts for a lot!

"Then that symbiote poison  
We thought we'd give a whirl  
Was up-staged by Jennings  
Getting whooped by a girl!"

"Well, I sure liked 'Lockdown',"  
Commented one person.  
"Our creepy Anubis  
Snatching bodies was worse than

"When Sam got her Tok'ra  
Or Jack, Hathor's snake...  
It was clear that it wasn't  
Just a piece of cake."

"Hey, what about Teal'c?"  
A guy shouted back,  
"Zatting poor Daniel  
Who was then shot by Jack?

"Running 'round the base  
In that great 'Avatar',  
The resulting body count  
Was our highest by far!

"Alec Colson, the Trust?  
All of that worked.  
And Rya'c's marriage  
Sure got his dad irked!

"I really liked 'Icon',  
'New Order's One and Two.  
'Zero Hour' was nice  
Though that plant wasn't new.

"Didn't we write it  
Back in season four?"  
Another agreed,  
Then another, then more.

"So there's an idea  
For what we can do!"  
Joseph M. cackled  
As his merriment grew.

"We revisit old tales,  
Tie up some loose ends.  
Kill off some bad guys,  
Kill off some friends!

"RepliCarter and Fifth  
Are still out there, ya know.  
Thor and the Asguard?  
They're still on the show.

"Bring on Sam's double,  
Who destroys her creator,  
Then adapts to Jack's gun:  
She's one smart Replicator!

"Then there's Colonel Maybourne--  
The incorrigible Harry--  
He's living off-world,  
Does he work, does he marry?"

Paul Mullie was grinning  
So hard his teeth ached.  
"What about Kinsey?  
What if he got snaked?

"We've always wanted  
Miss Claudia Black  
To play this gal 'Vala'  
Opposite Jack.

"But Rick's not available,  
His work days aren't many.  
We can change a few lines  
And it'll be Danny!"

"So what shall we do  
For the eighth season's end?"  
Damian asked,  
Then another opined,

"I'd like to see Carter  
Get married to Pete...  
Then her Black Widow curse  
Will have met its defeat."

But a clever screen-scripter  
Put forth this instead:  
"But what if Sam gets  
Cold feet 'ere they wed?

"Breaks it off with the cop  
And goes after the boss?  
Just let that whole 'Sam and Jack'  
Thing come across?"

"But the fans wouldn't like that,"  
Said a writer who stood.  
"Are ya nuts?" said the first,  
"I tell ya, they would!

"This 'thing' has been going  
Since 'round season three  
(When Jack got an eyeful  
In Hathor's SGC)

"Or maybe before--  
I'm not really sure--  
But it's way before Anise  
And her bad Za'tarc cure."

"I recall that Amanda  
Once said a while back  
That Sam's perfect ending  
Is fishing with Jack.

"Michael thought Daniel  
Had issues to mention  
About his time 'glowy'  
And then his descension.

"And while Chris got his hair,"  
Continued Peter D.,  
"The Goa'uld aren't defeated,  
The Jaffa are not free!

"So write away, people,  
Put those pencils to use.  
We've episodes to film  
And there's no time to lose!"

Then all of a sudden,  
Damian smacked his head.  
"I've got it!" he shouted.  
"I've got it!" he said.

"This year's little clip show  
With a different approach:  
A guy sees Jack's life  
Through a stone or a broach."

"A barber," Robert said.  
"Joe" he was christened.  
(After four years of saying it  
Someone finally listened!)

"Let's kill off Lord Yu...  
Amateratsu, as well."  
And so it was written  
That these System Lords fell.

"But what of the 'good guys'  
Do they suffer no losses?  
No 'fallen hero' memorial  
No speech from the bosses?"

"But of _course_ someone dies,"  
One exec rolled his eyes  
"We killed Janet last year,  
A death we'll reprise

"By offing another  
That Sam holds so dear."  
"We're killing off Pete!"  
Came a fairly loud cheer.

"That's not what I'd planned,"  
Peter D. then admitted.  
(As David's big brother,  
His protest was permitted.)

"But 'tween bug attacks  
And her near wedding date  
You'd think that poor Sam  
Has enough on her plate.

"Remember, the Tok'ra  
Are worthless (ask Jack),  
So we'll kill off the good one,  
The one named Selmak."

"But that's Carter's dad!"  
A scripter then cried.  
The execs didn't falter,  
Their grins grew e'er wide.

"Oh, that's really mean,"  
He merrily chuckled.  
He then laughed so hard,  
His knees nearly buckled.

"But wait, it gets better!"  
He started to yell.  
"Not only kill Jacob,  
But _she_ kills Daniel!

"He's survived zats and bullets,  
Fought the whole buggy horde  
But what if RepliCarter  
Stabs him with a sword?

"He's snatched up by Oma  
And the two have a word,  
Then dropped in Jack's office  
Nekked as a jaybird!"

"An' let's not forget Jack,"  
Another writer then bade.  
"It's not been since Laira  
That this poor guy's been laid.

"Throw in 'another'  
To give Carter some pause,  
Then when this lass leaves  
Wait for the applause!

"This gal could tell Jack,  
As her departure is hastenin',  
All these years without Sam  
He's just been a-wastin'!"

"That's all fine and dandy,"  
One exec then ruled.  
"But what of Anubis?  
What about the Goa'uld?"

"The bugs could attack them,"  
A scribe then suggested,  
"The galaxy's over-run,  
The SGC is infested

"By bugs by the dozens!  
Bugs by the scores!  
Bugs running 'cross walls,  
'Cross ceilings and floors!

"But a weapon most Ancient  
Will come into play  
Dials up _all_ the 'Gates  
And blows them away!"

"Deus ex machina,"  
Another then grumped.  
"An Ancient weapon they find?  
You must have been stumped."

"It'll work," said a writer.  
"If the team gets the gun  
And can't get it to work  
'Til the show's almost done.

"Under siege by Ba'al,  
Who's been coerced by Anubis,  
Ol' 'Bocci' then helps us--  
Don't you think we can do this?

"The bugs learn about it  
After they capture Dan  
For the knowledge he gained  
While in Glowy Land.

"RepliCarter holds him captive  
While his mind's being read,  
But he uses that knowledge  
To control _her_ instead!

"Upset, she then kills him,  
But it's already too late...  
They've fired up the weapon,  
They've dialed up the 'Gate.

"The bugs are no more,  
But should you think it over,  
There's still a few things  
We've yet to cover!

"Anubis is out there  
And he's gotten real mad  
That his plans were defeated  
By Sam and her dad.

"So he fires up the weapon,  
But before it gets tested,  
Nuby's grabbed by Oma  
As Daniel suggested!"

Brad Wright really liked this,  
He liked it a lot.  
"But this doesn't tie up  
Our season eight plot.

"If this is our 'swan song'  
Don't you think it should be  
A step toward Atlantis,  
The Pegasus Galaxy?

"We should wrap it all up  
And get all set for them--"  
Then Paul interrupted,  
"They find a ZPM!"

"But it's not just 'around',  
For what it's worth,  
They find it in _time_--  
Back when Ra ruled the Earth!

"SG-1 use a time-ship  
Of Ancient design  
But while in the past  
They screw up the timeline!

"The 'Gate's not discovered,  
The Command never founded.  
Daniel's a teacher,  
Sam is 'well-rounded'.

"Jack has retired  
And lives on a boat,  
Teal'c serves Apophis  
(Who still likes to gloat).

"But a tomb is uncovered  
In old Egypt land  
With a tape in a jar  
That tells of the plan

"That SG-1 hatched  
But soon went awry.  
Now the timeline needs fixin',  
And they have to try

"To convince geeky Daniel  
And super-geek Sam  
That _they_ can correct it...  
And only they can!"

"I love it!" cried Brad.  
"A great cosmic twist.  
An alternate timeline  
From a detail they missed!

"Ra took the 'Gate  
When the people rebelled,  
So SG-1 Daniel  
Left a tablet that spelled

"Where the other Earth 'Gate was,  
Near the South Pole.  
They use quakes to track it  
Like they did long ago.

"Sam, Jack, and Daniel,  
Kawalsky and ilk,  
Head off to Chulak  
To liberate Teal'c.

"The whole team gets captured  
By Apophis, instead,  
Who interrogates Daniel,  
Puts a snake in his head.

"Teal'c breaks them out  
And takes out the Goa'uld spy;  
Kawalsky and all  
The other team members die.

"Sam, Jack, and Teal'c  
Use the time-ship to go  
Back to the past  
Five millennia or so!

"They make their arrival  
Five years after the first,  
But that isn't the problem...  
No, that's not the worst!

"SG-1 is no more.  
Jaffa saw and did kill  
All except Daniel  
(Who must've hidden with skill!)

"He formed the rebellion,  
Planned out the attack,  
But hadn't accounted  
For Ra's big ha'tak."

"Of course," said Robert,  
Understanding the plan.  
"The 'Gate was taken  
When Ra turned tail and ran.

"With the help of the natives  
They'll have to devise  
A way to hide it  
From Ra's snaky eyes.

"A distraction is added  
To Dan's strategy  
To free up the 'Gate  
So Ra doesn't see

"The Ancient time-ship  
Flown by Jack and Sam.  
They snatch up the 'Gate  
And take off on the lam.

"The team is successful,  
The timeline restored,  
And a fully-charged module's  
Their hard work's reward!"

"The only trace left behind,"  
Joe M. nearly flipped,  
"Is the video the team  
Left in the old crypt!

"They know that they did it  
In a different timeline,  
But that doesn't matter:  
This one's just fine!

"So the whole team goes fishing--  
Of which Jack is fond--  
Finds out, to their shock,  
There's a fish in that pond!

"Sam and Jack are 'okay'  
'Live and well, Dan and T.  
The team has gone fishing,  
The Jaffa are all free.

"All of this makes  
For a perfect show's end.  
So what do you think,  
Mr. Wright, my good friend?"

"I like it," said Brad.  
"And it'll do fine.  
But keep out those pencils,  
To write season nine..."

* * *

"I like it alot!"  
I want you to say  
And send lots of feedback  
A comin' my way 

(But be sure to tell me  
Who it is from)  
At cleothemuse  
At-yahoo-dot-com!


End file.
